Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
