I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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