i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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