I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
