the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
