Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
