I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
