I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
