I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
