so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
