I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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