I think I died a long time ago.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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