im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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