remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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