his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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