I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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