Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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