so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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