Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
