I love black thongs
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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