Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
