When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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