she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
