a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
