so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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