How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize