I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize