he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
