Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
