i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
