please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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