You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
