I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
