mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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