At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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