oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
