true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
