I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
