Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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