just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
