Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
