FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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