swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
