We're facebook friends in real life
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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