the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
