my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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