You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
