the condom got lost in my hair
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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