Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
