Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
