After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
