Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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