You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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