i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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