i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
