Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
