i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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