I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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