Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize