my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
