I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
