i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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